Happy Birthday Julie! Merry Christmas

Dear Julie.

It is the second Christmas and birthday without you. Knowing your voice, and warmth is missing hurts. I do not look forward to Christmas since your passing.The stillness and silence reminds me of your short existence here on Earth.

Knowing their will be no Julie December 28Th at Moms Christmas party/Birthday party for you hurts. I cannot breath well, maybe its the cold Winter air I inhaled, or it could be the thought of spending another Christmas Holiday without your presence. I know you would want me to be happy,I know you are in a better place. I still have sadness surrounding my body.

You loved Christmas,saving gifts throughout the whole year, having Wine and sweets parties. Your smiles and screams of Enthusiasm were always their. You would sit next to me on Mothers couch, singing Christmas Carols. The family would and will continue the traditions, just without you. I will look around the dust in the house and Hope to feel your presence, singing-enjoying the Christmas celebration.

"By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground,since from it you were taken;for dust you are and dust you will return"
GEN 3:19

We will visit your grave, place candles on your snowy grave. Brenda, Sue John and I and the nieces and nephews will sing happy birthday,with salty tears falling on your casket. Mother and Father Will have that empty look as your presence is gone. Happy Birthday Julie.

Back to work.

I just was called back to work. I write about things that happen when things are down. I have learned from this experience of being laid off. Working with people from the cannery. Witnessing people with less than I in the food bank lines. The decision to eat or pay bills. If you have never been down, you do not appreciate the up.

Our children understand blessings, and they know what is not necessary in life. I spent five months with My wife and children, what a blessing. The curse of the Time clock, office can soil your perspective of your family responsibilities. I did not write this blog for pittance, or attention, I write for those who can't. I put this blog on Face book, I am wondering if it is a Good idea. Writing is good for the mind, and relieves stress, maybe those who read can do this too.

Julie my sister gave me a book called "Letters to a young poet" and my favorite quote is "No one can advise or help you-no one. There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself. Find out the reasons that commands you to write, see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if forbidden to write. This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night:Must I write?" "Letters to a Young Poet" page 6 Rainer Maria Rilke.

I must write, if I am lucky people will enjoy it, but words last longer than your warm breaths on this earth. I am blessed to have the words and stories of Deceased sister Julie. Someday my children will understand their father's sense of direction, his troubles and bits of happiness.

Julies fourty sixth Birthday

JULIES FOURTY SIXTH BIRTHDAY

Arriving at Mother's house I release my vision.

My words echo off Jewel's particles in the Blue House.

Your whispers are a "Blizzard of thought," at 617 Oscar Street.

John,Sue and I arrive at your grave amazed.

A snowplow heaved two large layers of snow on your Stone.

Surrounded by dirty green grass melted from yesterday's warm breeze.

Grabbing the ice scraper from the Ford Van.

Carving a Crystal cake on your coffin.

Shivering, placing six rows of eight candles minus two.

Huddling around you forming a ring from the storm.

Lighting the candles, Singing "happy Birthday."

You dance painlessly , arms flailing "Happy".

Dame's "Dude" is present, and inches of memories fall in haste.

Sticking our tounges out,tasting every morsel.

The years burn bright, warming our chilled hearts.

Watching flames descend toward your bones.


.
Happy Birthday Julie from your favorite Brother.

Moving down a level in America?

I grew up in a middle class family. My father worked six days a week. Mother stayed home and raised her children. Trying to keep the same lifestyle is getting harder. Sue and I have been married for twenty years, we have three children. Andrew is eighteen, Nicholas is sixteen and Hannah is eleven. The dream of being middle class is over.

I just took a job at a cannery, I am surrounded by my new class, the uninsured, and overworked. The job with all, is going away. I do not criticize my current employer, for they are having a hard time keeping employees. It is just a adjustment to be a semi -class citizen. We just cannot assume that we are entitiled to anything. Sue and I have been both working full time to full fill the middle class dream. Why do we reach for more and more and find out we are destined to fail.

I could get my old job back, and go back to that consumer driven status. I am cooking rice with beans, scourging around the cupboards for food. I can buy food, but then I cannot pay my bills. It is hard to adjust to the glacier effect of the fading economy. Their are people doing well, their are wealthy people too, I am not criticizing those who have. Dealing with children who want clothes, shoes, and other things is easy when your prosperous. Now I am "them" the complaints of Hannah not eating breakfast because their is no cereal,or special foods. The simple task of paying for a haircut, or other services.

I am surrounded by generous people,our piano teacher will not take any money till I am in a better place, we owe her five months of back pay for two children. The church gives us meat, Gleaner's trucks and the Methodist church provides us with adequate food every week. We are blessed with those who are in our circle. It just hurts physically, emotionally I am having a "cloud of depsair" follow me , I have no way of running away or solving the issues.

I think and know when I am older we will appreciate the finacial change in our life,the children understand they must get too thier own destinations by thier self. Working side by side with migrant workers,people like me I am learning. My cheerful coworkers who have had never had but have so much, maybe I can learn.

Frustrated,out of work, no insurance.

The day's are long and the positive is short. I have been gradually sinking into debt. To have had a nice paying job is a blessing and a curse. The summer was nice, and the children appreciated having their Father home for the summer.The big thing going on in the news is about health care , who gets it and who doesn't.

Yesterday I was cleaning the basement, and started to weep, I now have time to spend with Julie being laid off. When I had the high paying job, I worked, worked, and spent and spent. I would talk to Julie on the way to work pulling ten hour shifts and working weekends. Since I have been off work,She is not there to see. God's timing is terrible. If this happened last year I could of been with her as she danced, flailing her limbs,fists first,off this Earth.

Sue and I decided too do a remodel job in the basement, I borrowed some money, it keeps me busy, and the boy's will have their own room downstairs. Moving things I found a old birthday card Julie sent me. I read the words and cried, thankful for her words; sad for her end. Julie had to do all kinds of things to keep insured and fight the battle with Cancer. Here I am sulking today, thinking about the things I don't have, but after reading the card, their is more too life than stuff.

Monday I am going too Social services and fill out paperwork for Health Insurance for our three children.Do not feel sorry for me, this Country shares their sadness to others, those who have, do not worry, those without worry twice as much. I never heard Julie complain about her bills too much with her semi-cures and half doses of health.

I want to call her and talk to her, listening to her wave-like voice, telling me everything is going to be all right, over and over. Time is worthless if don't get to spend with people you love. My free time recently is useless without Julie. It does not go away, the ache, the chill the burning sense of missing those gone.

Laid off-wondering if I should continue.

I have been scanning photo's of Julie and My family. I miss her very much. I witnessed John and Martel's lifes change without her in thier life's. I need some time to get back into this blog. If I show this to my siblings and close friends, they weep, I feel that sadness is surrounding this blog. I have become numb from these photo's and memories.

I will pray and reflect, and see if I can continue the same format. I miss talking to Julie, since her passing. I will scan some photo's though. Pray for John and Martel as they learn to live without Julie. I struggle without her, not on my good days just on my bad days. To have been loved by her is a gift, to have known her is a miracle.

Her picture in her First Communion is so beautiful, I see her in heaven looking like her picture.

Uncle John visited. Hannah's Softball Semifinals, Softball.

Waiting for the Food truck -laid off

Waiting for the Gleaner's food Truck- laid off


The Gleaners Food Truck has not arrived on time.

Hunger,Debt and Pride is not prejudice.

Sitting on cracked concrete.

Tired of waiting for some free food.

I read "The River Runs Through it."

Old people, migrant workers, mentally ill and I,trapped by circumstances ,not resolved.

Trying not too eavesdrop, A Mother talks of the struggles feeding her son, the victim of a shallow man.

She explains her false expectations,"My boyfriend is always out of town." as she comforts her Toe head Toddler.

"Smiling Man "rides his Red Scooter Chair in circles, excited for his handout.

Trying to read, I think to my self, angry, frustrated, I cry inside my bones.

"God your great when I don't need you, your painful when needed."

Hunger, Debt, Pride is not Prejudice.

Martel Graduated

Sue and I picked up My Mother and Father yesterday. We drove to Delton Michigan. Sue my wife has a GPS it can make a trip very interesting. The trail to Delton led to a rural road with old farms and Two story houses. WE noticed a lot of Four wheel drives and green plants everywhere. Their was road kill every two miles or so, and the smell of Cows and Livestock. The grass was tall everywhere, unlike the city. I felt like a visitor to a new land. Lily pads, I have never seen so many Lily pads, driving and turning on cracked blacktop, water was everywhere.

We arrived too John and Julie's house feeling tired from all the Tractors and small Burgs we passed through. Pulling up in the driveway is sad, I expect Julie to run out of the house and give me a Hug, telling me how much she loves me. Martel ran out and gave us a hug, that is the closest to her I felt as gave me a squeeze. Martel was transplanted in this Rural land. You would never know, but because of Julie and John's love he is very much Our Nephew, and John's Son. I am having a hard time thinking about what it would be like without your Mother at your Graduation, but Martel was very strong and happy, maybe Julie's is too.

He is SO strong physically and mentally, and handsome. I am so proud to have been their as he received his diploma. He has many plans, and I am not going to reveal them, because they change every time I see him. John is moving along on His and his deceased wife's book. I hope it is published so John can get on with His Life without Julie. I am going to pick up our Bicycle built for two at the Shop. I still have that vision of John and Julie riding another Tandem bike after their wedding. I guess losing your spouse is losing your partner for the tandem bike, and trying to ride it alone, knowing that it will never be the same.

Congratulations Martel We love you the Moulds family.

Seven without my Wife

Sue left for the Bronx, in New York. I drove her To Ferry Memorial Church on Friday morning at 2 am, and wondered what it would be like when She left. The drive was painful, I did not know how to say goodbye, or give a romantic kiss.


The story begins twenty years ago. I was a young soldier on leave. West Germany was my home for two years. I just visited my Sister, Brenda, at East Town, a Village in Grand Rapids, Michigan. I returned from Grand Rapids, tired from visiting the Intersection, and other College Bars. Brenda was so beautiful, influenced from Art School, we danced to an alternative band, and for that one moment, we were the closest between our six year gaps in age.



I drove too Muskegon tired, and visited a Restaurant, looking for some coffee and a break.
Sue served me some bitter coffee, and I looked into her eyes knowing she was the girl who could weaken my resistance to commitment. She was all greasy and sweaty from managing a restaurant, and all I could see was her warm blue eyes, her acceptance of my existence.


{The point of the whole story is never try to figure out what is going on at the moment, for years later, the answers will be answered. Sue left in the Golden Church van, and I drove home to a house with two Son's a Daughter, and two dogs and two cats.}


Five years earlier In nineteen-eighty three, I was a silly boy in a young mans body, I flipped burgers at McDonald's.Sue was there too, full of ambitions-plans and goals. I had nothing to worry about, just my weekly paycheck, passing my Senior year, and taking on another day. Sue would run the grill and I would look at her, as I did the simple work while she conquered the six twelve turn lay. We never had a intelligent conversation on are breaks, for she was looking at three by five cards studying debate. I was dipping my chocolate chip cookies in a Shamrock shake.


The weekend seemed long and the things I took for granted were burdens. I was not angry, for my Wife was rebuilding a Church in the Bronx, in New York City. We all must do things like that in our life. The boys, Andrew and Nicholas, were not motivated. We ate as college students. Our daughter Hannah became close to her Father, She is the closest thing to Sue, Her warm blue eyes and crooked smile.


The days moved slowly, I missed Sue, the beds were not made; we did not have anyone in the house who could fold laundry. June twenty-fourth came, it was our nineteenth anniversary. The house was quiet, I felt empty. I loved that Sue was helping others, but I realized, She helped me. I had no one to fight with or love and laugh with for seven days.

I thought of John Rybicki, my Brother in Law, who lost my Sister, his Wife three month's ago. I realized a very important thing, Love is more than physical, Sue is the air to my lungs, her love is the vision to my eyes. Sue is the touch in my hands, the song to my mute ears. Our house was cold, bland and tasteless without her presence.


I take my spouse for granted, we fight, and then make-up. The days go by fast with her around, and slow without. I missed the smell of her perfume, the sound of hairspray in the bathroom. The children were different, less loving, and more callous. I was a bitter man.


The week was over, and Hannah and I picked up Sue. I was So excited to be able to hold her. My wife kissed Cocoa our Shorky before me, that's marriage. I spent seven days as a widower, and hated it. Freedom from Love,Compassion and Commitment is overrated. I am ready to enjoy my Wife as long as I can. I will rejoice every second with Sue.

My girls

My sister Sue sent me this picture, she said something like, "the women who love you". I was flattered.I do not smile often, but here I am. Sue my wife gives me a love only a good Wife can give, compassion, patience, and accepting me as I am.

Julie always listened to my concerns, and thought I could do anything. I always have lived a practical life. Any time I needed some encouragement in my creative side she was their. I love both these women. I miss Julie's positive outlook on the Other Tony. Thank you SUE SUE my sister, for sending me this photo.

Mother's day

I visited my Mother yesterday, we gave her a card and a gift. Then I noticed her Rose tree was in full bloom. I broke some branches with Full blooms of pink Roses. Julie loved that tree, and I thought of her. I know John and Martel are far away, She loved being a Mother.

After Church, I drove to her grave, and placed those soft pink pedals on her Grave Stone. I miss her, especially hearing her worry about Martel, her Son. Happy Mother's day Julie.

Julie loved her Family

Enclosed are some photos when Julie is in remission. These are with her parents. I still do not know how my parents are so strong after losing a child. Mother took many pictures in the past. I will give my children more Hugs, and kisses if they let me.

Pictures of Julie in Remission

I was very negative about Julies last few months, in my last post. I went to Mother's house and found some beautiful pictures of Julie in the 90's, these are the images I try to remember. She loved her family, especially John. Enjoy these Pics of her. Thank you for visiting this blog, before her one year of her passing. Pray for John her Husband, she loved him so much. John is writing a Biography, and he determined to finish it for Her sake. I will see John tonight at Moms, I do not know what it is like losing your spouse. I would be devastated without My Sue. Kiss the one you love more often. You never know how long they are going to be in your life. I am not ashamed of my sadness, it will heal.

Almost one Year { Julies Death}

I have been dreading April 8th, 2009. I still cannot believe Julie is gone. The aches of her death are less. Why do I cry for no reason at all, especially when I am alone? I have been going to a Men's group every Thursday, I talk about sadness,grief and physical pain of Mourning. I write on this Blog, scanning photos,poems and memories.

I see her gifts and resemblances in our children, and family members. When hearing or reading about someone dying of Cancer, I relapse, as if I am in room 8115A at Ann Arbor watching Julie's slow fade of Death. I try to be a optimistic when hearing other struggles. I find myself sticking up for the person who does not want to do that radical treatment, to live extra longer. If Julie did not go for the Bone Marrow treatment, she would still be here, in pain, but still here. Instead she died a cruel death of Host vs Graph, with her insides burning up.

It does not go away, the horror of Cancer, once you witness it,your infected with a cursed look at life. I am trying to move on, and have been doing well, I think. I cannot erase the image of Julie dying, morphed up, and drowning from fluid, in her lungs. The last day I was their, I counted each breath per minute, and they became less and less. The horrible sound of water gurgling from her lungs. I do not know what is worse, having Cancer, or Witnessing it.

On the eighth of April, I will visit her Ivory bones, I pray those Images I recalled do not happen.
I am trying to erase each morbid moment, unlike, the last time she squeezed my latexed hands watching "The Wizard of Oz"

In Memory Of Uncle Angelo

Mother lost a Brother and a Daughter within weeks apart. She is very sad when I see her lately. Mother Loved her Brother, she would cook his favorite foods, and invite him over. He would give me a "Dutch" rub to my scalp when I was A child. I never beat him at Cribbage either.  Uncle Angelo would do are taxes and Loved my wife's organizatioal skills. 

When Julie was in Ann Arbor he would send all kinds of notes to her on Carepages, one of them was "I hope so see you again soon." He is seeing her now.  

Celebrating Martel's Birthday with Julie.

After Martel opened up his gifts, and we had a Feast. The whole group took a two hour nap, Mom cooked too much food. The group drove down to Julie's grave, we cleaned it up. Last year, John planted Crokus's around the Stone, and they bloomed.  It was cold and windy, but we all paid are respects to Julie. Thier was no words, just short gazes at her grave. We could not have celebrated Martel's  birthday with going to her Grave, Julie's biggest acomplishment was being a Mother. 

This was Martel's day, and Julie would of wanted us to be happy.  I am sure she was looking down at Her "Dudes" with a big smile. I know she is in a better place. I think she would want to eat all of the Chocolate desserts in Mom's Basement though, I wish I could send her some where she is. Julie loved Chocolate, when I see chocolate and Turtles, I think of her. She would always stop for both of them. 

Martel's Birthday

Martel had a birthday celebration, at his Grandfather and Grandmother's house. Mom cooks all of his favorites, Ribs, Mac and Cheese, and all kinds of other foods. This is the first celebration, without Julie, we were pretty positive, and it was a happy occasion. Martel is fine young Man, John and Julie have done a good job raising him. I believe Martel, would not be in our life without Julie's struggle with Cancer.  I heard that after any storm in your life the Sun will come out, Martel is the Son in our life.  I thank God for giving Martel to John and Julie.

Happy Birthday Martel!  Uncle Tony